the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
false alarm, still single
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
