Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
