I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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