Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
