god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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