Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
