I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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