when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
