I think I won the penis lottery.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
