Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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