I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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