Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
