I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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