He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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