Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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