Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My bed smells like the plague
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
