I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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