I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
