Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
