The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
there is puke in my bra ... again
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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