Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
