It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
