oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
