I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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