thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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