PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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