I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
