Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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