i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
