Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
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