Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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