dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
