I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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