dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
