I puked a lego.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
