Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Dicks are not precious.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
