Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
