i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
