k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
