I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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