Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
