I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my sisters under your porch take her home
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
