Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
