I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
