I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I can't put those talents on a resume
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
