yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
