The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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