Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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