im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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