Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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