i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
